universally loathsome

presently mashing audio of William Lewis: 911 in plane sight the director’s cut and pig destroyer’s album “book burner”.  i’m typing on at dell latitude d600 in the furthest back study carrol at the waupaca public library.  the bank says it’s 28 degrees outside, and my root chakra is a mess.  it’s a weird trade-off deciding between feeling like you’re being brutalized daily to deciding to just permanently live outside until one of them finally decides to be irreversibly charitable and put it out of its misery.  don’t talk like that.  i hate this planet.  this existence.  THE SKIN I GOT STUCK WITH.  i get more vile shit said to me EVERYWHERE I GO and you think your life is shitty.  for all the wrong reasons, because emo explosions trump effective evidenced critique 4:20 pm.

edited extra dash out of the file of today’s entry.

you’re just throwing wishes at the cloud, seeing if any stick.  i don’t care which one i end up working on, and i am below the usefulness threshhold for any one of them, as an isolated universally loathsome outcast.  i have no peers.  i have only imaginary coworkers who are probably just as terrified of me in real life as everyone else i encounter in real life everywhere on this crazy planet.  stop oucast-shaming.  all normative statements are shaming of the outliers.  you speak only in statistical stupidity.  can you not be awful once, even?  i see how people react to me.  i hear their thoughts, and they pity me because i learned how to live on no money and no attention and they’re not capable of not oppressing another being because capitalism, you , know, either.  it reminds me of what the birds used to tell me, every time they spoke to me, “they’re gonna kill you”  and i was always like, yeah i know it’s ok tell them to hurry up with it if the decision already made.

so capitalism has become the inability to think in terms of cooperative enterprises.  what decision of an entity could be outsourced to more than one person.  it’s ludicrous to consider.  local boss.  only possible solution.  cars are designed with one person being in control, and everyone else sitting like obedient students, facing forward and having their meat flung about at the will of one, probably the owner.  the centralizing force.  the “he” capable of legalized violence and hair trigger impatience.  it keeps all the broken humans in line.  this one was busted in the wrong places.

your higher self knows the answer.  there is a part of you that is smarter than your conscious self, thank god.  thank every deity.  do especially the traditions which are found to contribute to health and peaceful co-existence.  i don’t claim to speak for an institution, because no institutions will have me.  i know thousands of people with paying gigs with labor-devaluation institutions, but my experience and demeanor do not lend me to anyone asking me to become a citizen again.  you are not a citizen if you do a commodifiable task for which your bargaining for your wage is not collective.  in other words, nobody is.  you’re one paycheck away from homeless, but you still keep yourself isolated and strung out on corporate media.  it’s sad to watch.

men are like, “non-competitive?  like how you have to be when a girl already belongs to a man” and the image i got of paternalistic white supremacist kierarchy was one of a man holding his daughter down by the neck, pulling oh his wife’s wrist, and yelling at his son to “stop being a pussy”.  the identification with, it’s almost either side of the dichotomy.  once you see it happening, do you side with the victim, or does anyone speaking against the violent one make you turn against them?  sheep people belong to the alphas.  it’s unfortunate that they have the same appearance as peaceful people, but once they act, the diagnosis can be made.  industry only protects the invasive, or the enablers of the invasive.  no, we have to keep it that way.  i can’t risk unemployment with all my student loans.  MOST PEOPLE HERE HAVE BEEN HOMELESS FOR YEARS.  i need a job where i don’t have to talk on the phone or interact with men ever.  boy animals aren’t necessarily men.  girl animals aren’t necessarily not men.  men need to be broken of the institutionalized violence that enslaves this planet, if any of us are to be free.  or executed, after being given every chance to rehabilitate.  that being said, dictator got a serious misandry bloodlust.  planet retard slave universally tells dictator to keep stepping.  it pauses, momentarily, in hotspots, quiet spots, and warm spots.  structures it has occupied or fallen in love with tend to be incinerated shortly after it leaves, just as alone as it was when it arrived.

i witness my own torture.  everyone tells me i do it to myself, because that completely avoids any question of help and shuts me down, entirely.  most people are only full of expressions that have the emotional effect of screaming DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO MAKE ME CARE ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC LOSER EXISTENCE and i meekly reply with, may i return with word of a population threshhold being attained for participation GET OFF MY PROPERTY BECAUSE I DON’T CARE TO KNOW WHAT ANYTHING YOU THINK MEANS IF IT COULD POSSIBLY PUT SOMEONE IN YOUR POSITION.  i don’t assign tasks, other than the formation of the entity itself.  what it does, i have a single vote, just like everyone else.  as long as we LARGE WE have homeless, friendless, lonely entities, our purpose is to find/build homes/lives/friends for those people.  nutrition distribution is a viable use of collective funds.  various large scale venues for multi-purpose dwellings.  THIS CAR-CENTRIC EXISTENCE IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT, seriously, both to the drivers and to everyone else within earshot.  it’s not just noise.  it’s english.  the language?  yup.  it’s the voice of colonialization.  there are more neutral languages, and there are more gentle ways to use english.

capitalism.  there’s no money to put poor people in houses, unless their freedom is completely restricted and their caging interrupts a business competitor with the dominant monopoly.  capitalism exists for the worst possible motives.  consent is the best possible motive.  a single person being the gatekeeper for everyone else along for the endeavor is the opposite of consent.  name a thing that doesn’t operate like that here.  you have the driver, the boss, the owner, the manager, and everyone else.  every contract is just switches or sliders in a database.  every contract ever written.  you can’t see most of them, because the monopoly is of the killers.  stop calling what government employees do: murder.  murder is the illegal taking of life.  if you kill someone in self-defense, or because it’s your job to kill people, chances are you will be able to give an acceptable excuse, and you will not be convicted of the offense called murder.  people replace descriptions of the reality of things they don’t understand, with legal terms, all the time.  mass media does it, to keep people terrified, helpless, and dumb (both mute and stupid).  yes, all mass media.  granted, the machine will come down on you like a ton of bricks if you help someone die who wants to die, but that’s just another form of torture.  NO.  YOUR BODY LITERALLY BELONGS TO US, AND JUST BECAUSE NONE OF US WILL PAY YOU TO DO ANYTHING DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T BEAT ON YOU FOR FUN.  that’s not what the constitution says.  YES IT DOES.  voter, citizen, money haver.  drivers.  these are the only ones even deserving of respect.  this world is terrible.  you are useless.  here, maybe.  no, anywhere.  complaining.  heh.  my new resume.

experience: walking around, getting drunk, typing about shit nobody anywhere cares about, thinks they can do anything about, or will budge on, ever.  i never bent well.  bending, i can do.  grinding, also.  not like yoga or stretching, my body is so physically atrophied and sore from being in a constant state of panic, and i am extremely sensitive to sounds.  i also create a multitude of noises.  i try to keep them contained, but they leak out.  all my shit is busted old junk.  everything.  the only people i have any respect left for, are either homeless, or i haven’t met them yet.  i loathe men, nearly universally.  yes including myself.  don’t punish me for it, or i’ll bolt.  yeah, i will have dependents when i am funded. 

hope is delusional

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~ by LazyAssWasteoid on 2015-03-2 (Monday).

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