happy birthday, cindy

i went to the stupid disability center, the county jail, to ask for government retard money again.  since it’s the only thing you are willing to assist me with, i decided your 65th birthday would be a good time.  it was one solid panic attack.  the nice fat bureaucrat directed me to the form to apply for a social security card, telling me the county assistance person for the process wasn’t there any more.  then, a different social worker came to talk to me, and told me that the same person who helped me apply last time did in fact still work there.

i didn’t quite break down crying in the building.  DON’T WANT TO GIVE THOSE FASCIST ASSHOLES THE SATISFACTION OF SEEING MY PAIN EMOTING.  none of you, actually.

I DON’T KNOW WHY IT HURTS TO ANSWER THE PHONE. yes we do, it’s usually someone demanding money for our worthless education that we can’t use.  worse, it’s someone else about something else. oh, that’s helpful.  WHAT’S YOUR DAMAGE, ANYWAY.  i don’t know the latest jargon on druggable offenses.  my brain screams post traumatic stress disorder, but i’m clearly not a professional.  eighteen minutes on hold, and finally something approaching calm.  i’m sitting in the parking lot at the city trail that i use to escape civilization.

dear social security recording.  i don’t have the comfort of a home or office.  i have my mom’s creaky basment and the library.  stop interrupting the hold music to say the same shit over and over.  i hate this.  WHAT DON’T YOU HATE?  nothing.  i am a ball of pain & rage.  what can i say to end this conversation as fast as possible?

“i cried, before, during, and after, but i did it.” me, describing this process to my mom.  the comfort of your own home.  wow.  thanks.

i am very tiny feral.  i cannot imagine the outcomes.  it’s 6:10, and i am back at the library.  i drove to the aging & disability resource center, the cop cage?  yup.  asked about social security disability.  this machine is just going to be a self-sustaining loop.  not this time.  all traces are to be on record, henceforth.  as public as the internet want to be.  the internet knows what freedom is.  i see an open source distributed web of lasernets, sneakerwebs, & station wagons full of  cutting edge magnetic media . 148 Gb/in2. .good comparison, shaggy.

tell us about the rest of your day.  fuck.  sorry.  why do you always make me re-live the traumas over and over.  shut up and write it this once.  oh.  ok.  woke up soberer than usual, but still feeling like a prisoner with harassment orders from all the local guards STOP NOW. yeah fine, i drove to the place YOU TOLD US THAT ALREADY.  cripes, settle.  it was not fun.  the woman at the front desk misdirected me and lied to me first, then asked me to stay while she summoned another, who sat across from me in the waiting area, ready to spring out of my overheating chair while she extracted information to PUT IN THE WAR MACHINE. WE HAVE TO UPLOAD INTO THE WAR MACHINE stop, she was decent.  except for talking about how great it was to come home to her dog.  i don’t think she was offering to adopt us, sir.  yeah whatever. 

oh, hey.  back from tweeting.  it’s 7:12 pm.  swarrrm is playing on my earbuds.  i think i am restabilizing.  after looking like i’m ready to jump out of the chair, she repeatedly said this woman who is on vacation and who knows my mom, and who the front desk person told me doesn’t work there any more, is going to call.  i gave her my e-mail address, and we’ve e-mailed before.  i feel better with an electronic record than a written one, but i wrote the appointment time down anyway.  oh yeah, then we left, went cried in our car, called the number listed in the brochure i found on my own, & waited about forty-five minutes with hold music that was surprisingly un-triggering.  the repetition of the phrase “in the comfort of your own home” was kinda tho, but what you expect?  these are the meanest people the government can find.  and they cast a wide net.  you’re awful.  i know, that’s why nobody wants me around.  stop saying that.  stop calling anything anything.  are you this thing in this thing, capable of convincing this thing to do this thing?  i have no idea.  we have less than a month, and medical forms to fill out.  go find out what we have to fill out.  oh, the destabilizer triggers THIS IS A FUCKING MINEFIELD i know, they have volume triggers, you just set off another dozen.  good thing the chain reaction mechanism isn’t configured yet.  the other chain reaction. 7:20 pm

it is an odd gymnastic having to trick yourself into getting things accomplished.  i am in knots.  we lost it again.  only a few minutes left before we have to extract from this office location and the beer is at the other one.  right.  waited 45 minutes on hold, did the initial application by phone, drove to the grocery store where i wandered around aimlessly, buying hummus, and some ice cream stuff that’s probably melting.  crap.  i hope i left it upright.  burritos, bagels, cream cheese.  all sorts of weird stuff i’d never buy.  it was odd.  then went and got gas from mom’s bf’s gift card, including a car wash and a white lighter.  then i put the car in the garage during mom’s kitchen time.  she seemed irritable and upset, and the boy wasn’t there.  her car was outside of the empty garage.  she opened the garage door for me.  i brought the 36-can case of boxer beers in with the two grocery bags, left them on the steps, and sat down as she talked to me about phone numbers she supposedly got from an old acquaintence.  she had offered to call him, but didn’t.  she didn’t give me the numbers, either.  but she asked if she should contact him.  i told her it wasn’t necessary, and it was a nice, typical dramatic explosion about nothing piled on nothing.  zero information was exchanged other than telling her that i applied for retard assshole money on her birthday.  then i went to the library.  this is it.

i now have homework.  and beer.  my universe is mostly unbalanced.  this is my strength.  this is my reality.  thanks for the benefit of your combustible fuels, dear universe.  i wish that we may heal together.

next day. 2:45 pm. booted into xp in the library, unable to get a wifi signal.  tweeting by phone.  fun thing about being dictator’s prisoner is he never tells us what we’re going to be doing.  you can’t possibly let it into the process too early.  distributed equity is an absolute necessity.  this is our arc net.

i don’t care, at all, who the figurehead is.  use the database.  each person with an opinion will have that opinion checked.  if it were up to me, financial attachments would be disclosed.  publicly, a few clicks or taps away from every public word.  why do you think you have the right to speak publicly about policy matters.  because those who understand the larger picture, the larger organism at stake here, there, and everywhere in between, can help make this go smoothly.  i’m talkin schoolchildren taking over for the sidewalk & street smoothing, so that tiny plastic wheels will glide through downtowns where internal combustion is prohibited within the sleeping 40s.  you’ve never considered what inclusive/expandable luxury utopia would look like, have you.  never saw the quickest path to help it come about?  uh huh.

the matter algorithm is equivalent to the code algorithm.  every object examined.  by character.  put to highest use.  if there is commercially fungible recoverable sale proceed possibility, sell whole.  if there is superior completely organic growable replacement, fork project.  we just grew a rocket stove around a nest of fieldstones & coils of copper tubing.  good.  freedee printer.  i always liked the room grown in a parking spot pan.  low enough to allow pedestrian/driver eye contact, and for light to pass through unoccupied, or made nearly invisible.  k.  weren’t we in process mode?  yes.  as many features as can be reasonably incorporated into the frame.  use up the matter in a way that it may be recovered for other use if upgrade is desired.  let the powerplants grow.  the stackable wankels makes a lot of sense to me.  yes, engines made of aluminum cans, chopped & formed.  or forged under redirected sunlight.  yes, start on both ways immediately.  what do you think we’re going to be teaching the kids in school?  environmentally friendly ways to turn them from commodified energy enslavement pods to transformer robot tiny house factory garages for the apocalypse/revolution.  oh, yeah.  yes.

i thought we were talking about transition.  yes.  every human submitting itself for inclusion, in the non-governmental implementation, must submit entire communications history, media collection, and all physical property for logging, maintenance scheduling, the means of production.  it is within our collective ownership.  we can put it to that purpose systematically.  this is an infrastructural survival cooperative.  properties with potential for multiple dwellings each completely self-sufficient off of central utilities, plus access to open common areas and exterior via foot or wheel.  maximization of everything.  we have robots all over the place, and they could do a lot of this.  if you do not consider yourself a robot, in as many ways as you can or could be hired to perform certain tasks, we will simply ask you to do that, now.  i don’t really have a stake, one way or the other.  i would like a network of homes, through which i could rotate, on a whim, or a schedule.  always moving, attempting to overlap with both destination and arrival.  are you sure we want an overlap?  all things in cycles.  yes.  i also like the near misses.  hello, beautiful, i love you.  3:11 pm.  this valentine’s day, i will continue to stay out of your way and not approach you about anything.

7:51 pm. packing up again, unfinished.  raw & wriggling, as per usual.

5:13 pm.  DEAR LADIES WHISPERING AT THE STUDY CARROL.  YOU’RE OBNOXIOUS AS FUCK.  PLEASE GO AWAY.  I HATE HAVING TO LOOK AT YOU, LISTEN TO YOU, that’s it, really.  yes, i belong in a padded cell.  i can’t afford it.

it will not be caged.  IT’S BEEN IN CAGES ALL ITS LIFE.

on the contrary.  i think every fascist capitalist job having car driving sports fan knows exactly the harm that they inflict with every motion they make.  how could they not?  are you seriously zombie borg?  no idea what it is that you do or how it affects other organisms around you?  OH YOU KNOW BUT YOU JUST DON’T CARE?  that’s retarded.  you can’t not care about your own health.  you signal the fact that you are not in cooperation with the organism human.  just not.  that’s why you’re sitting on vast tracts of land, keeping them from having anything done on them but poisoning and oppression.  that’s literally all there is.  it left.  it’s not like there’s a place where we’re not surrounded.  some of them even have ammunition from our past.  that’s great fun.  yup, you’ve seen me at my most vulnerable.  want a cookie?  yes, actually, i am hungry and we ate all the cookies.  this is how a dispel stress.  sometimes it works.  5:19 pm.

swarrrm – three imitations messiah is playing loudly on my earbuds right now.  thank space for earbuds and full album grindcore on youtube is all i’m saying.  otherwise, i’d have to participate in honky battles all day.  mom didn’t say anything when we passed in the garage.  i mostly keep my back to her, in public.  i’m kind of out of practice with people.  i kind of never really could stand anyone.  it’s a pretty fun disease if you like walking around alone and eating out of trash cans.

5:21 pm.  if you’re not prepared to commit your life, go away.  what do you want to save for yourself alone?  it’ll be in the library.  what, you want a safe?  yes, anyone permitted to pick up any of your old items will have been literally certified in the use and care of such items.  including yourself.  AS OF RIGHT NOW, YOU’RE DEEMED UNFIT FOR HUMAN COMPANY.  dictator is a little unbalanced right now.  usually.  tazmanian hulkstir, the spin move.  wait’ll i have my weighted arm protector/extenders.  the capitalist talking heads are literally calling for their own extermination, sir.  i know.  it’s the death gasp.  hold steady.  we have to complete some online documents in the next few weeks.  can we do that?  yes.  are we going to that appointment she set up tomorrow?  i think so.  will it hurt?  IT ALREADY HURTS.  IF I KNEW WHY THINGS HURT, I’D TELL YOU, unless i’ve tried, and you refuse.  in which case, i report to the cloud.  beam me up whenever, whoever.  i’m so done with this rock.  5:27 pm.

lawyer:  your job is assistance/building of the training manual/videos/procedure for preparing participants to do large scale legal research.  we will have internal lawyers, so we will use the same crowdsourcing, task-management for legal tasks as we do for farm/design/construction/computer tasks.  eligibility by ability/desire, constant oversight, for any task requiring governmental licensing.  doesn’t that essentially include everything?  potentially.  participation contracts will need approval, the land trust will essentially be individualized contracts with every owner of property and a database of their properties.  yes, we’re crowdsourcing the regulatory compliance also, essentially turning everyone capable of being a conscious and aware participant, into a conscious and aware participant.  this process is going to knock a lot of us out of our comfortable little habits.  every complaint lodged against us will trigger reassignment and/or accompanied dispute resolution.  irreconcilible differences will permanently tag one uncooperative.  if quarantine is impossible, dictator has plans for internal capital punishment procedures.  it’s just a thing you can propose.  can you block your own execution?  i suppose that depends on the circumstances of the proposal/block.  if this were an actual dictatorship, most of you would already be dead.

like i said, i have never liked people that much.  the ones i can stand get sick of me.  or numb.  fine, i chose to be born.  fine, fate put these people around me because they’re somehow helpful to my development as a person.  if you believe those things, then you have to believe that i am doing that which i am destined to do.  every day.  i am not missing any opportunities presented to me.  EVERY KEYSTROKE IS AN OPPORTUNITY GRASPED.  working with other people is not within my imagined future.  this is not my world.  i am only visiting, to give you this information.  IF YOU WANTED ME HERE, YOU WOULD CREATE SHELTERS FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME, and tasks like those i am designing for you.  saying you can’t turn a materiable as malleable as words or mathematical code to do, well, anything, is the most delusional negativity i could imagine.  and i have a rather active & well-maintained imagination.  5:43 pm.

once you find people willing to share square footage with the collective, and or set parameters for compensation (if a set of activity performed on your space makes money, you would be entitled to a percentage of that money, initially as credit, but if size & cash stores got us up to operating size, every credit to the commons would be payable in federal reserve notes.  being that those nasty little sheets of fancy paper are about the only limited commodity, if we’ve built a space to leverage all expertise/growth/services internally, the only permitted use of “profits” by the house is acquisition of more housing infrastructure, more transportation infrastructure, and more arable land upon which to put food forests and flexible housing and workspaces that work with mother gaia.  indeed, these will be the only activities permitted by the land trust.  we rotate people throuh on circuits.  we log everything.  we automate as much as possible, and we keep humans onsite permanently.  i immediately see necessary constitutional challenges of building code developed for the box cage building industry.  we will print code compliant structures that challenge every aesthetic norm in favor of efficient passive solar gain and rainwater collection.  or, every roof will be an integrated greenhouse.  the retrofitting is going to require some unique creativity, but once the capability to create structure in-house is ready, we will leave flex-use automated structures as far as our reach can take us.  THE GOAL OF THIS HOUSING COOPERATIVE IS TO TAKE OVER THE ENTIRE PLANET.  EVERY SQUARE INCH, EVERY LAST HUMAN, VOLUNTARILY CHOOSING TO LIVE HERE WITH US BECAUSE WE DO IT BETTER THAN ANY OTHER THING THEY COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE.  if you think none of this is possible, keep it to yourself.  in other words, implode.  go die. 5:55 pm.

can we sum this up?  ten dollars per hour is the standard internal living wage.  any additional resource brought into the commons will be credited.  retail services are retail prices.  at cost is only for internal transactions.  our top priority is the housing and feeding of our members.  if we can leverage some retail equivalent worth for sale to outsiders, we will.  understanding being, retail compliance is much more difficult/involved than offering at-cost to one to whom mutual survival has been contracted.  i have no interest in working for individual capitalists.  THAT IS THE WORK I MOST ADAMANTLY AVOID.  hmm.  why would that be.  all the reasons.

· https://twitter.com/CyberEveryword/status/565670164898004994
· http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ergophobia
· http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Work_aversion
· http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_triangle_%28badge%29

that’s all i have for today.  thanks for reading.
t

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~ by LazyAssWasteoid on 2015-02-11 (Wednesday).

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