social security (niner lebbin)
the spiritual healer guy told me to be less anti-social. I think that must be positively worded to work. I have turned into a polarity responder. what? how do you pick up every ill quality you hear of? I honestly don’t know.
so, I got up around 7:30 for my appointment. back up, I finished up at emy j’s, went and ate a bit with friendlies, and headed out to rosholt. there is a potato farmer here who I worked for a few years ago. I had asked him for a camping spot then, and he called me a few days ago to ask me to work for him again, and to help out on the farm. I start tomorrow, early. I don’t know how this is going to work. yes, you do. whenever i’m sad, all you say is, “this is what you wanted.” as if wanting a sad life isn’t what I was taught. conditioned, for. there’s a faint signal from the library next door. they said I could sit on the porch. I may try that. how about after this beer is gone? ok.
so how was your appointment? somewhat brutal. mrs. yang was showing cleavage, which I really dislike, and she kept re-asking, I felt, about jobs. I was like, you have the records there, don’t you? I remember working at those places, but not when it was. what does that matter? I felt like a gunea pig. the county advocate helped, I suppose. I felt like a moron when the security guard asked me to remove my leatherman tool. it has blades on it, bigger than a box-cutter. there’s a sign on the library, too. I feel naked without that thing. you know how often I need a scissor, screwdriver, or needle-nose pliers? neither do I, but I use that thing pretty often.
dollar mugs of miller lite during packer games.
I brought in a big plastic jug, a bike water bottle, and my camelback, asking for water. the nice lady filled the two bottles. I used the bike bottle to fill the camelback in the bathroom. i’m questioning the ultimate efficacy of me. I am in a great deal of discomfort and pain. less now than earlier. food got cooked, dishes got done, all without a water pump. I am going to rely on flashlights and water bottles. you are crazy. and how. I got two follow-up phone calls from the government representative lady, and I got a little impatient at one. she shut me down right quick, and went on. I neither understand what this accomplishes, nor what is wrong with me. autistic? narcicisstic? the last disability listed was “personality disorder” and I said, I have a hard time copping to that one, but it must be. why else won’t anyone talk to me? yeah, that’s a broken statement by a broken human. enough with the names. I would rather stay in stevens point. why? you will find an office here, and all will be fine. how is this not an office? a bar without internet? there’s internet here, I just don’t know the password.
7:39 pm. there’s an outlet on the post office. there’s water in bars and gas stations. you have warm clothes in your vehicles. I thought you liked being alone? I prefer it to abusive behavior/acts/words, but gentle friends are essential.
am I really this feral? I think you always have been. coping mechanisms. you find them, I guess. oh, federales, please give me free money so I can be a normalish person. I sometimes miss that. they’re closing up. 7:45 pm.
2:43, next day. worked. organic farm. sorted out rotten tomatoes, packed some tomatoes by weight, packed some beans, and C.S.A. boxes. all new people working there. mostly good. a few off color jokes and comments, but I was able to bite my tongue. I think this is good, but the early starts will be a challenge. boss is seeming understanding. I ought to find more work. off to point? not yet. rain is coming. and? I want to sell all my stuff. all of it. then I could get one small, light computer, and a tiny, reliable camper. how do we not have that already? smaller, reliabler. I am tired. I am drained. I am glad terror day is over. there’s time to go to waupaca. i’m not ready for that. have you noticed I don’t take rejection well? that’s why I never initiate. ok, so you know I like you. I like lots of people. if u wanna snuggle some time, let me know. because I want that lots of the times. a good hug would help, right about now. so would a shower. I worked less than three hours today. I don’t know what my solo sleep schedule is cut out to do. you’re entirely worthless solo. oh, thanks. ideas, person. this project, these projects, require assistance. technical and moral. without a hug, i’ll probably keep rotting. rotting is a natural process. decomposition. as opposed to this composing? I suppose.
I am off.