whorl dinna tweit
re-enactment of the moment we doubled over laughing at that tweet. but delivered by me in nondescript home location. everything was fine until the. then dictator breaks character and starts yelling.
DICTATOR: ARE WE SURE ABOUT THIS WORD?
DIRECTOR: *tags feed, “4th wall”* explain.
DICTATOR: thing? really. maybe it needs a long dramatic pause. what do you think, axl? [Axl rose appears on what turns out to be a huge stuido soundset]
AXL: [seems slightly disconnected] lol. fuck you. what am i even doing here?
DICTATOR: i have been studying your delivery mannerisms for the last week.
AXL: oh, cool. i get credit for that, too?
DICTATOR: if anyone ever buys anything
[BOTH LAUGH DRAMATICALLY]
AXL: seriously, though, dude, this wearable computer is dope
DIRECTOR: incoming 3D wavatar cloud chat
DICTATOR: go. [3D world envelops reality and DICTATOR meets with SNOOP DOGG in “the cloud” which is literally a mario-brothers-esque could world. SNOOP DOGG approaches in a smooth saunter, surrounded by a “stranger-than-fiction-esque” gui, or floating 3D holograms of other people, mostly women he is digitally having sex with, including a lawyer, but also a few clothed businesspeople. he’s recording his dance motions and rapping, answering people’s questions directly to them as he records them as raps. the camera pulls back and dictator’s gui shows a herd of cats, dogs, kids being read books while a dictator-controlled handbot braided their hair. as the camera rotates about DICTATOR’s shoulder like a satellite around a planet’s gravitational field, we see the dark side of DICTATOR where he’s smoking weed with diplomats and dignitaries in Cairo, sunbathing in Trinidad, and himself, having sex with a half-dozen people, mostly female. As SNOOP DOG’s avatar and DICTATOR’s avatar meet with a handshake, we see DICTATOR’s likeness appear in SNOOP DOG’s avatar swarm, and 4 of the women he’s pleasuring invite DICTATOR to join. he does, immediately. the two shake hands and continue interacting with their motion-captured scripts and swarms, alongside one another.]
DICTATOR: yes sir, how may i help you today.
SNOOP DOGG: one second, dog, i could use your touch to finish a thing
[hundreds of simultaneous orgasms]
DICTATOR: [vibrating spastically as if he’s being electrocuted or machine-gunned] aannyy tiimme. hmm. bearer of glad tidings, as usual. u wanna puff? [reaches hand into a 3D universe/avatar containing die antwoord. YOLANDI giggles as she passes a cheech-n-chong sized joint through the space/time rift]
SNOOP DOGG: [takes joint, puffs slowly, smoke curling, dancing, spiraling, and forming words and shapes which spiral around his swarm’s avatars. 3 more orgasms.] thanks, tyler. this wearable computer is dope. [just as he fades out, says, out of the view of his swarm] oh, one more thing. your script is divine inspiration. trust the words you write. speak the words you know. go do yo thang
DICTATOR: [salutes, curtseys, and blows a kiss which SNOOP DOGG catches, triggering another dozen orgasms. before SNOOP DOGG and his gui swarm disappear, we see them morph into a real-life view of SNOOP DOGG in bed with two women, including the lawyer. they have earbuds, glasses, and “tactile groin attachments” which they remove and start copulating irl]
As the camera twists and turns as it warps back, we see AXL’s avatar eating ice cream with a bunch of laughing kids and playing with the puppy he had as a kid. he’s in the same position/pose as he was in the studio. the camera rolls over the clouds and back to the studio soundstage which then looks like the nondescript home location. the angle, speed, and tone of the script continue uninterrupted, in the “reading-of-a-tweet” video in the style of in the style of.
DICTATOR: [dramatic paws/pause] THING, MOTHERFUCKER, & I’LL KISS UR PRETTY LITTLE ASS. PUNK! [DICTATOR sticks out tongue and makes all kinds of distorted faces, blowing kisses like ninja gaiden throwing stars, and as the screen goes dark, as the stars would have hit their targets, we hear the same ding that signalled the orgasms, along with the contented cooing of the recipients.
[fin] DICTATOR draws the word “fin” in denealon cursive with his fingertip and draws his hands into prayer position as he bows gently. a chorus of children giggle. a dog barks
this is a total rip-off of the animatrix. yah, so. are you gonna storyboard it? what? i, who knows. i could have filming of it done in 10 minutes, couldn’t i. yup. eh, what’s the rush? true dat.
p.s. no celebrities were harmed in the typing of this entry/story/script.