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- it’s my half birthday today. i’m 35.5. 35 ½. yay. 12:20 pm. 33 ℉.
- listening to: http://moshpittragedy.com/leper-end-progress for a 3rd time today.
- this: http://www.darkgracie.com/is-fucking-an-option is good
i thought about going to the humane society to play with homeless kitties. yeah, i went there last time i was in town, and signed up to be a certified dog walker. they never called me back. i get ignored a lot. pretty much every time i speak. just because i’m used to it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like a motherfucker every single time.
i thought it used to be considered decent to respond to people who had applied for jobs. you know, at least to let them know that you had read their application, and to let them know that you mattered as a human being, if only as one to be compared to. in my experience, this is not the case. might be part of the reason i quit applying.
the disrespect for humans is reaching frightening levels. the mocking condescension of tv has always been that bad, and that’s how people learn social interactions. oh, sure, there are some institutional cues. teachers at the front of the class, etc. my own awful mother works for a public school. last night she did some kind of thing for helping/encouraging kids to go to college. i almost said, “how can you in good conscience even recommend that any more?” but i didn’t want to start a fight. no, she starts yelling at me if i tell her that she’s hurting me, let alone if i go after any of her sacred cows. yes, i think all of the educational, institutional idiocy is a sacred cow, of all of you. i need some positive examples in my life. how do i reset this? how do i start over? i really would like to start over.
i typically say that i wouldn’t change anything if i had the ability to go back and do it again. i don’t think that’s exactly true. i understand why and how i got here, but between peoples’ responses and what i’ve learned along the way, oh whatever. speculation. do now.
the latest YouTube update is so frightfully awful. how could anyone consider it an improvement? each update provides less information, and makes stuff more difficult to find. the names of videos get cut-off/shortened everywhere, even when there is space to display the full name. this last “update” was a profile change, so for most users, i suspect, who only get video links and never interact on profiles, it will hardly be noticeable. the profiles are essentially gone. topsy turvy world rears its ugly head everywhere. yeah, the people who do the awful, horrible things all get paid well to do so. such is earth
while listening to this, i realized my schooling gave me this idea that i was “intelligent” or well-spoken, or something. it’s been a double-edged sword. how? well, that’s supposedly good for your self esteem, no? it’s not very good for your others-esteem, however. people don’t like it if you think they’re dumb. even/especially if they are. they aren’t, though. they’re more mean, i’ve found, than dumb. are they? i think so. giving me the silent treatment is mean. if i say something unacceptable, it’s probably a good idea to tell me so. do you do that before you cut people off? no. do i cut people off? i have. is that why i’m cut off? undoubtedly. not the same people. no, that wouldn’t matter. i mean, it could, but karma doesn’t work like that. that isn’t karma. that’s the vibe you put out.
i got an archive of my tweets. much like favstar, twournal shows the shortened links, rather than the actual link. that’s rather unhelpful, i think. often, my tweets are only a link. hey, it’s the internet. a lot of times, i don’t have anything to add to my links. anyway, one of the reasons i started this blog, nearly 200 entries ago, was because google sites was adding tracking crap to all of the links i added. so, when you hovered over them, you couldn’t see where you would go. of course that matters.
i’m feeling like a walk today. it’s pretty cold (34 ℉ at the moment [1:39 pm]), but sunny. i miss my tree friends. my best irl friends are trees. i’m no longer embarassed by this, if i ever was. dogs smile at me when i bike or walk past. birds tweet. deer bound. animals make me happy. plants, too.
part of the reason i got that archive of my tweets was to see when i stopped drinking. as i suspected, my last taste of alcohol was the 5th of February, a month and 3 days ago. 33 days dry. i had my last toke on Sunday, so this is day 5. i’m more impressed by that, actually. i hadn’t gone more than a day or two, possibly 3 at one point, and that was only because my connect was slower than my foresight. i live such a spartan life.