oh it kin-b sar-chas-tick2

Let’s implode the sarchasm detector! Go!

How to be an awesome family member.

1)      If you have more money than your family, make sure the events you invite them to require how much money YOU have.  Then, act hurt when they don’t show up.

2)      If your family member doesn’t have a car, doesn’t use their car often (it is rather expensive if you don’t have any income), or have moral qualms with using their car (don’t ever ask about this, though.  It may reveal your own habits to you.), make sure that the only way they can hitch a ride will require that they spend as much time as possible in your condescending, insulting presence.  That way, they won’t join you, and you can just act hurt (see #1), AND you don’t have to talk to, listen to, or even look at their broke ass.

3)      If you have a family member whose lifestyle isn’t as wasteful, consumerist, and poison-filled as your own, make sure you just refuse to speak to them about anything of substance.  This will allow you to continue thinking of them as lazy, useless, less-than-a-person, or merely a waste of potential.  Make sure to use whatever old, out-dated measures of “potential” that you have at hand, so as to maximize the pain inflicted by your “tough love.”  Think of it only as tough love, for the absolute highest form of love is to ignore.  Just ask Jesus!

4)      If your family member chooses a means of spending their time that doesn’t make sense to you, don’t ever speak to them about it.  Don’t ask them about apparent contradictions (as if they’re not entirely intentional – part of the very point), and certainly don’t ever let them know directly and/or honestly if you do look at their offensive “art.”

5)      By all means, if you make upwards of HUNDREDS OF TIMES what your out-of-work family members do, you have ever right never to speak to that loser again.  You clearly understand how difficult their life has been (not at all, obviously), how other people treat them for shallow reasons (he could get a haircut), and that their extensive education, management experience, and natural super-human work capacity serves only to endear them to other lazy, wasteful, assholes like yourself.

6)      When and if you ever realize that your do-nothing family member has actually found their highest purpose on this planet and continues to labor tirelessly day after day, shrink back to your gossipy capitalist time/resource wasters.  Talk about as many people behind their backs, or better, DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THEM, but do it so that it sounds like you’re talking to someone else.  Neuro-linguistic Programming referrs to this as a “distancer,” and it is highly effective in insulting, dehumanizing, and criticizing people who terrify you without giving them means of replying.  Decent ways to accomplish this manipulative torture are:

  • In a car, on an entirely unnecessary phone conversation.
  • When you’re talking “about” another “lesser” being (child, pet, plant, etc.), but your language, intonation, gestures, and shared pity clearly point to your loser-of-a-son/daughter/cousin/neice/nephew/brother/sister.

7)      If your reject family member uses, participates in, associates with, or advocates for anything that is technically “illegal,” you are absolved of any responsibility whatsoever.  Look, just because it’s the oldest profession/plant/medicine on the planet doesn’t change the fact that our democratically elected government hasn’t declared that activity illegal.  No, their own statements about their own health mean nothing.  No, it’s inherently harmful by the fact that it’s illegal and for no other reason.  There’s no need for that kind of thing (just ask the bible!), and you, being the upstanding, job-having (non-boat-rocking SELL-OUT!!!) citizen, have all of the necessary moral authority, by the very nature of your means of employment to just continue with your god-granted lifestyle.  No, corporations that are designed to exterminate poor people were put on this planet by god his-self.  Look, if you’re not part of the structure [machine/economy/website], you’re part of the problem.  The only good.  THE.  ONLY. GOOD. COMES FROM PARTICIPATION WITH BANK ENSLAVEMENT.  Saying it louder, getting more people to socially torture and beat the non-compliant into submission, and repeating the dogmatic nonsense of your TV just proves you’re right.

8)      By all means, turn on a TV whenever possible.  Refer only to situations on TV, plots and characters of TV shows, and news stories pushed/presented/introduced by the TV, for that’s how you truly know what is important and meaningful in the world.  Whenever they broach a subject that does not appear on TV, make mocking comments, laugh loudly, and prevent them from making any statements at all.  Look, if they were a viable politician, they’d be on TV by now.  No, really.  That’s by definition.  Courts have created that logic.  Yes, your own government says that the TV and newspapers get to decide who viable candidates are.  It’s so much easier that way.  Otherwise, you might have to listen to a whole bunch of crazy and offensive people who insanely think they can do things better than anyone in the existing power structure.

  • I know this one guy who’s running for president because he thinks, nay, honestly believes that he would be the best person for the job.  He doesn’t want to make any money, get on TV, or wield any power over people.  He just wants to make the world run like the finely-tuned, efficient, helpful machine that it could be.  I can’t believe his own mother hasn’t killed him.

9)      When your loser family member finally snaps from the social isolation and begins yelling at everyone online because they refuse to listen to anything in person, just continue like nothing is any different.  Because, really, nothing is any different.  You can ignore their responses, just like you’ve been ignoring them.  Look, their pain is clearly self-inflicted, because you know what it’s been like to live their life for all those years (they never even tried to fit in!), and you know that they’re capable of having a job working for someone else.  Never mind any claims they make regarding social difficulties/isolation/rejection.  Those are all their own fault, having only to do with their appearance and refusal to participate with everyone else.

10)  When finally listening to anything your loser family member has to say, make sure you only take in small pieces at any one time.  This will allow you to come up with excuses, reasons to fear what they’re saying, and will allow sufficient time for your beloved TV to formulate a counter-argument that will satisfy your gluttonous need for a shiny sparkly explanation for why they are crazy.

11)  Keep talking.  Cackle like chickens.  Repeat what the authorities tell you about how the world is supposed to be, and shout down anyone who says otherwise.  Laugh at them.  Mock their clothes.  Call them “too skinny,” regardless of medical statistics, government studies, or logic.  What power does logic have over the manipulated hive mind?  Do what the bank tells you and everything will be ok.

12)  If you are fortunate enough to “own” a “business” that allows you to “employ” one or more of these loser types, there are many things you can do to distance yourself from their thinking, ensure their complete frustration, allow you to continue your do-little-to-nothing-yet-profit-extensively lifestyle, while ensuring that you create animosity and competition among them by shifting their allowable participation in your enterprise by specious and random scheduling.  Use any possible external excuse (the “economy,” industry practice, or legal term [at-will employment, for example]) to maintain your own belief structure.

13)  Lie, lie, lie.  To yourself, mainly and most importantly.  Never consider your own actions.  Never question how you spend your money.  Never doubt your own patterns and habits.  Never entertain the notion that everything you have been ever told/taught/trained-to-do is actually false/self-destructive/harmful.

14)  If any non-loser family members, friends, or associates begin to listen to your loser, disown them immediately.  Loserness is a virus, and can infect civilization from even minor, casual contact.  Never introduce them to possible partners, always bad-mouth them constantly or just talk about them in a pathetic, condescending, “I just don’t know what to do with him/her” tone.

15)  Never ever consider the possibility that they seem “depressed” around you because:

  • It is you who are making them depressed.
  • That is the only explanation in your extremely limited range of descriptions of reality that is even close to fitting what is going on in their life.  They could explain it better/further, but that might require their use of “badness (see #7),” so avoid any more complex understanding outright.

16)  Always trust what people in positions of “authority” say about your unfortunately-connected-to-you-loser, and stick to the belief that if a few bad things happen as a result of “prostitution,” “drugs,” or even just “sex,” that these activities ought be prohibited outright.  For, everyone knows how effective prohibition and censorship are at stopping the root causes of problems.  Sticking your head in the sand by making a “rule” prohibiting anything you have been convinced not to “like” is just as good!  Happy book burning!

~ by LazyAssWasteoid on 2010-09-4 (Saturday).

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